Monday, May 16, 2011
Really? I Thought We Were Done With This.
Dr. Deacon has decided to resume this blog. Placenta Juan concurs.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Dr. Deacon's idiocy
As many of you may or may not know Dr. Deacon has decided to abandon this blog to pursue writing "The Great American Novel". Because I am a man of letters myself I have tried to assist him in this endeavor. But, as you well know, Deacon is an obstinant sleestak-molestor, so he disregarded each and every one of my suggestions to punch up his text. Therefore, I present to you the... BEST lines of dialogue Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon, suggested to Dr. Deacon to include in his novel that he DID NOT HEED.
5. "Fuck you Scatman! I'm sick of you and I'm sick of your shit!"
4. "Look, genocide is not even remotely funny... It's HILARIOUS."
3. "Are you sure it's a nipple?"
2. "I should have known it was Tab Hunter. In retrospect it's so obvious."
1. He stared into his daughter's doe-eyes and wondered what was it she dreamt of? He asked her. She looked back into his eyes with an innocence that pained him to his very being... And she responded in a voice pure and uncorrupted, "I dream of Unicorns, daddy. Unicorns and butt-sex."
5. "Fuck you Scatman! I'm sick of you and I'm sick of your shit!"
4. "Look, genocide is not even remotely funny... It's HILARIOUS."
3. "Are you sure it's a nipple?"
2. "I should have known it was Tab Hunter. In retrospect it's so obvious."
1. He stared into his daughter's doe-eyes and wondered what was it she dreamt of? He asked her. She looked back into his eyes with an innocence that pained him to his very being... And she responded in a voice pure and uncorrupted, "I dream of Unicorns, daddy. Unicorns and butt-sex."
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
THE STATE OF THINGS TO COME
I would like to let the readers of this blog to know that new content will be forthcoming. Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon assures you that he is aware that there is a whole world out there. That's why he keeps his doors locked.
Friday, February 15, 2008
What happens to a blog deferred? It explodes, motherfucker!
From the Offices of Placenta Juan, the afterbirth tycoon:
I would like to apoligize to the audience of this blog (and I know you are legion). The man who founded it - the decidely unsanitary Dr. Deacon - has, apparently, decided to abandon the internet for the next year. He didn't give an explanation, rather, simply said, "I need to re-invent myself." And then he retreated into the bathroom and cried for the next ten or fifteen minutes. (To be honest, I wasn't timing the anachronistic pussy.) What does that mean to you, the faithful reader, you may ask? The answer is simple: Placenta Juan, the afterbirth tycoon is usurping Palindromes and Garden Gnomes. Get ready for a popular culture jihad the likes of which you have never seen. (Ed. note: We make no promises that the pop culture jihad of which you have never seen will live up to your exorbitant expectations.) (Author's note: Trust me, the pop culture jihad I've promised will totally live up to your expectations.) (Ed. note: It won't)
I would like to apoligize to the audience of this blog (and I know you are legion). The man who founded it - the decidely unsanitary Dr. Deacon - has, apparently, decided to abandon the internet for the next year. He didn't give an explanation, rather, simply said, "I need to re-invent myself." And then he retreated into the bathroom and cried for the next ten or fifteen minutes. (To be honest, I wasn't timing the anachronistic pussy.) What does that mean to you, the faithful reader, you may ask? The answer is simple: Placenta Juan, the afterbirth tycoon is usurping Palindromes and Garden Gnomes. Get ready for a popular culture jihad the likes of which you have never seen. (Ed. note: We make no promises that the pop culture jihad of which you have never seen will live up to your exorbitant expectations.) (Author's note: Trust me, the pop culture jihad I've promised will totally live up to your expectations.) (Ed. note: It won't)
Monday, February 4, 2008
The Year in Popular Culture Part Two (and it's only a month late)
After presenting the first part of this list I had to ask my roommate (Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon) why he seemed to feel the need to dismiss everthing I put on said list. His reply was, "As you are no doubt aware I have only two interests of any kind: H.P. Lovecraft and porn. Your list encompasses neither. If however, some enterprising producer of taste and vision were to make a film called "Cuddly Bitches Crazy for Cthulhu Cock" and it were to somehow find its way on your best of 2007 list, then you and I would be in concert."
5. Gone Baby Gone (Film)
Dismiss it at your own peril but Ben Affleck's directorial debut is a far more assured and convincing adaptation of a Dennis Lehane book than Clint Eastwood's overrated "Mystic River".
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I'm sorry, I'm nursing a Xanax and Thunderbird hangover so I'm a little fuzzy right now; did you say Ben Affleck directed a film? Finally I know the answer to the question that has plagued me for years: I wonder what it feels like right before MY FUCKING HEAD EXPLODES!
4. Battles "Mirrored" (Album)
Their influences are numerous but this band sounds like nothing else out there.
Placental Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Look, kids, it appears no one else is going to to tell you this so it falls upon my shoulders to do so: just because a band features an ex-member of Don Caballero and another fellow who's involved with one of Mike Patton's shittier side projects does not mean you have to pretend to like them. Do you honestly think you can convince me "Atlas" is a good song? It sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks did a bunch of blow and suddenly discovered prog rock. I realize I'm making this sound far more awesome than it actually is.
3. If I Did It by O.J. Simpson (credited to the Goldmans) (Book)
Here me out on this one. I'm not implying the book is anything but conceptually deplorable or horribly written (I haven't read it). What I love about this is the temerity of the author. I mean, he killed a woman, got away with it, and then wrote a book about how he would have "hypothetically" done the crime he supposedly didn't commit. Simpson believes the rules simply don't apply to him. He's like George Bush with a Heisman trophy.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I don't really understand where all this righteous indignation is coming from. It's not as if the Juice's literary mea culpa is unprecedented. (For further examples see "Beyond the Valley of Slapfights and Showtunes" by Leopold and Loeb; and Heinrich Himmler's "Jews: Who Needs 'Em?")
2. LCD Soundsystem "Sound of Silver" (Album)
An album so good it inspired John Cale to cover one of its songs (the sublime "All of My Friends").
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Can someone inform me as to why some overweight, New York hipster asshole's reinvention of himself as Donna Summer without the sex appeal is worthy of anything other than incredulous laughter? Anyone? Hello? (Sound of crickets chirping.)
1. No Country For Old Men (Film)
The Coen Brothers have made great films before but this is what they will be cannonized for. Javier Bardem is the most memorable antagonist since John Huston in "Chinatown".
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Let me ask you another question: what have the Coens done with this film that is so exceptional? Did they finally make a motion picture where you don't get the sense that the filmmakers have nothing but contempt for their characters? No. Have they created some sort of paradigm shift in the crime genre. No, for the most part, this is just like every other film where somebody finds a bunch of money and is pursued by somebody willing to kill for it. Did the Coens manage to elicit a performance from Tommy Lee Jones wherein he doesn't come across as the world's least charming child molester. Absolutely not.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon wishes to add:
Deacon, I had to put with quite a bit of pretentious, willfully unpleasant, atonal crap to help you with your so-called "Best of 2007" list. And that is why I believe, in the words of Henry Clay - addressing Andrew Jackson - "It is not blood which circulates through your veins sir, but rather the devil's semen." (Editor's Note: I doubt Henry Clay ever said this.) (Author's response to editor's note: I'm rather certain he did. Just ask Gore Vidal.)
5. Gone Baby Gone (Film)
Dismiss it at your own peril but Ben Affleck's directorial debut is a far more assured and convincing adaptation of a Dennis Lehane book than Clint Eastwood's overrated "Mystic River".
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I'm sorry, I'm nursing a Xanax and Thunderbird hangover so I'm a little fuzzy right now; did you say Ben Affleck directed a film? Finally I know the answer to the question that has plagued me for years: I wonder what it feels like right before MY FUCKING HEAD EXPLODES!
4. Battles "Mirrored" (Album)
Their influences are numerous but this band sounds like nothing else out there.
Placental Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Look, kids, it appears no one else is going to to tell you this so it falls upon my shoulders to do so: just because a band features an ex-member of Don Caballero and another fellow who's involved with one of Mike Patton's shittier side projects does not mean you have to pretend to like them. Do you honestly think you can convince me "Atlas" is a good song? It sounds like Alvin and the Chipmunks did a bunch of blow and suddenly discovered prog rock. I realize I'm making this sound far more awesome than it actually is.
3. If I Did It by O.J. Simpson (credited to the Goldmans) (Book)
Here me out on this one. I'm not implying the book is anything but conceptually deplorable or horribly written (I haven't read it). What I love about this is the temerity of the author. I mean, he killed a woman, got away with it, and then wrote a book about how he would have "hypothetically" done the crime he supposedly didn't commit. Simpson believes the rules simply don't apply to him. He's like George Bush with a Heisman trophy.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I don't really understand where all this righteous indignation is coming from. It's not as if the Juice's literary mea culpa is unprecedented. (For further examples see "Beyond the Valley of Slapfights and Showtunes" by Leopold and Loeb; and Heinrich Himmler's "Jews: Who Needs 'Em?")
2. LCD Soundsystem "Sound of Silver" (Album)
An album so good it inspired John Cale to cover one of its songs (the sublime "All of My Friends").
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Can someone inform me as to why some overweight, New York hipster asshole's reinvention of himself as Donna Summer without the sex appeal is worthy of anything other than incredulous laughter? Anyone? Hello? (Sound of crickets chirping.)
1. No Country For Old Men (Film)
The Coen Brothers have made great films before but this is what they will be cannonized for. Javier Bardem is the most memorable antagonist since John Huston in "Chinatown".
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Let me ask you another question: what have the Coens done with this film that is so exceptional? Did they finally make a motion picture where you don't get the sense that the filmmakers have nothing but contempt for their characters? No. Have they created some sort of paradigm shift in the crime genre. No, for the most part, this is just like every other film where somebody finds a bunch of money and is pursued by somebody willing to kill for it. Did the Coens manage to elicit a performance from Tommy Lee Jones wherein he doesn't come across as the world's least charming child molester. Absolutely not.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon wishes to add:
Deacon, I had to put with quite a bit of pretentious, willfully unpleasant, atonal crap to help you with your so-called "Best of 2007" list. And that is why I believe, in the words of Henry Clay - addressing Andrew Jackson - "It is not blood which circulates through your veins sir, but rather the devil's semen." (Editor's Note: I doubt Henry Clay ever said this.) (Author's response to editor's note: I'm rather certain he did. Just ask Gore Vidal.)
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
The Year in Popular Culture
The other day I was talking to my roommate, Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon, and I made the mistake of asking his advice. "Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon," I said, "I'm starting a blog and I need a subject to write about." Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon just stared at me through his cold, dead eyes, paradoxically spiteful and disinterested. I could tell he thought me a fool for doing a blog and sullying my views by allowing them to be judged by Joe and Jane Lunchbox.
Eventually he put his Pabst Blue Ribbon on the coffee table and spoke. "I don't know. Do a list or something. They're easy to write. And although they are reductive and attempt to codify things we care about, in this case art, the great unwashed masses seem to enjoy them."
The man is invaluable. Despite his tendency to cackle like a madman whenever we see a dwarf in public.
Thus, I present to you the first half of a list of my favorite pieces of pop culture from 2007. With a second opinion.
11. "In Rainbows" Radiohead (album)
Yes, it's a good album. That's why it's on practically everybodys top ten list. Which is why I put it at number eleven. Just to be contrary. Key track would have to be "House of Cards" wherein Thom Yorke decides he's tired of Justin Timberlake getting all the girls and leads his band through what I guess is Radiohead's idea of what a sultry, sinewy funk jam should sound like.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Fucking Radiohead are the most over-rated pieces of ass-hattery since 10cc. "House of Cards" tries so hard to make these anemic, morose elitists sound sexy it's almost touching. Or it would be if it didn't call to mind an image of a toaster trying to masturbate. Congratulations, boys, you've created a new genre: baby-making music for robots.
10. Flight of the Conchords (television)
This HBO show about a couple of New Zealand musicians struggling to succeed in New York city is very funny and the music is consistently good.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I watched this show once. The only time I laughed was when one of the actors played a non-corporeal version of David Bowie circa "Labyrinth." If you are writing for a comedy series and the only way you can get a laugh is to reference a film starring a bunch of muppets and an impeccable piece of jail bait then you may as well castrate yourself and get a job on the writing staff of "Grey's Anatomy." Hey, I made a pun: Anatomy, castrate. If you would like to possess a wit as dazzling as mine then you should sign up for my online comedy course - "Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon's Spurious School of Comedy". You'll learn how to master everything from whoopee cushions to Hitler jokes. Laughifaction guaranteed. The address is http://www.punchinganoldmanintheballsisalwayshilarious.com/
9. The Road by Cormac McCarthy (book)
Writing the bleakest, most depressing book about the end of the world is some sort of accomplishment. It's also rather beautiful at times which makes it all the more devastating.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
McCarthy might as well have titled this book "I Am Going to Shit on You For the Next 300 Pages." Jesus date-raping Christ, I would rather stab my eyes out with Elton John's flaccid cock than have to read this book again.
8. Zodiac (Film)
David Fincher is an obsessive director and has, not surprisingly, made the definitive film about obsession. The fact that he's managed to somehow turn time itself into an antagonist is almost brilliant.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
If David Fincher dedicated the rest of his life to selling heroin to kittens I would still hate him less than I do for making this film.
7. 30 Rock (Television)
A noted male comedian once opined that women aren't funny. Tina Fey is fortunately proving him wrong.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
The only reason this is on the list is because my roommate wants Tina Fey to rape him.
6. Inland Empire (Film)
David Lynch's 3 hour, shot on video mindfuck is not an easy film to watch, willfully so, but it's worth the effort.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
The slowest film of the year. Some critics have likened it to a waking nightmare. I had one of those the other day. I was watching a movie called "Inland Empire or Laura Dern Walks Around and Cries A lot For A Long Time" and found the film so unpleasant to look at - I've seen amateur pornography with more aesthetic sense - that I had to drink myself unconscious. When I woke up two days later this film was STILL PLAYING ON THE TELEVISION!
Eventually he put his Pabst Blue Ribbon on the coffee table and spoke. "I don't know. Do a list or something. They're easy to write. And although they are reductive and attempt to codify things we care about, in this case art, the great unwashed masses seem to enjoy them."
The man is invaluable. Despite his tendency to cackle like a madman whenever we see a dwarf in public.
Thus, I present to you the first half of a list of my favorite pieces of pop culture from 2007. With a second opinion.
11. "In Rainbows" Radiohead (album)
Yes, it's a good album. That's why it's on practically everybodys top ten list. Which is why I put it at number eleven. Just to be contrary. Key track would have to be "House of Cards" wherein Thom Yorke decides he's tired of Justin Timberlake getting all the girls and leads his band through what I guess is Radiohead's idea of what a sultry, sinewy funk jam should sound like.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
Fucking Radiohead are the most over-rated pieces of ass-hattery since 10cc. "House of Cards" tries so hard to make these anemic, morose elitists sound sexy it's almost touching. Or it would be if it didn't call to mind an image of a toaster trying to masturbate. Congratulations, boys, you've created a new genre: baby-making music for robots.
10. Flight of the Conchords (television)
This HBO show about a couple of New Zealand musicians struggling to succeed in New York city is very funny and the music is consistently good.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
I watched this show once. The only time I laughed was when one of the actors played a non-corporeal version of David Bowie circa "Labyrinth." If you are writing for a comedy series and the only way you can get a laugh is to reference a film starring a bunch of muppets and an impeccable piece of jail bait then you may as well castrate yourself and get a job on the writing staff of "Grey's Anatomy." Hey, I made a pun: Anatomy, castrate. If you would like to possess a wit as dazzling as mine then you should sign up for my online comedy course - "Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon's Spurious School of Comedy". You'll learn how to master everything from whoopee cushions to Hitler jokes. Laughifaction guaranteed. The address is http://www.punchinganoldmanintheballsisalwayshilarious.com/
9. The Road by Cormac McCarthy (book)
Writing the bleakest, most depressing book about the end of the world is some sort of accomplishment. It's also rather beautiful at times which makes it all the more devastating.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
McCarthy might as well have titled this book "I Am Going to Shit on You For the Next 300 Pages." Jesus date-raping Christ, I would rather stab my eyes out with Elton John's flaccid cock than have to read this book again.
8. Zodiac (Film)
David Fincher is an obsessive director and has, not surprisingly, made the definitive film about obsession. The fact that he's managed to somehow turn time itself into an antagonist is almost brilliant.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
If David Fincher dedicated the rest of his life to selling heroin to kittens I would still hate him less than I do for making this film.
7. 30 Rock (Television)
A noted male comedian once opined that women aren't funny. Tina Fey is fortunately proving him wrong.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
The only reason this is on the list is because my roommate wants Tina Fey to rape him.
6. Inland Empire (Film)
David Lynch's 3 hour, shot on video mindfuck is not an easy film to watch, willfully so, but it's worth the effort.
Placenta Juan the afterbirth tycoon says:
The slowest film of the year. Some critics have likened it to a waking nightmare. I had one of those the other day. I was watching a movie called "Inland Empire or Laura Dern Walks Around and Cries A lot For A Long Time" and found the film so unpleasant to look at - I've seen amateur pornography with more aesthetic sense - that I had to drink myself unconscious. When I woke up two days later this film was STILL PLAYING ON THE TELEVISION!
There will be blood! And references to pancakes. But mostly blood.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the birth of my blog. Perhaps you are asking yourself "What makes this douche-ninja think his opinions are interesting and/or valid enough to present to the public, or more succintly, why does the world need another blog?" Well, the truth is, the world does not need another blog. But it's getting one, whether it likes it or not.
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